Praying is Hard

Why is praying so hard?  Let me begin by admitting that saying prayers is not hard.  For those of us who are Catholic we have book after book complete libraries of a wide variety of prayers, written by others, that we can read and recite.  No, what I am talking about is getting into a deep dialogue with God — why is this type of prayer so challenging, frightening even?  At first blush many will say its because it is so one sided.  God never says anything.  My response to that is hog wash!  You just aren’t listening.  Just like my ex who would spew words at me and then go into his head thinking of his next argument, not listening to a word I said — you must be open to God’s side and way of communicating to hear what is being said.  But there in lies the rub, for me anyway.  Praying is hard, for me, because I am afraid of what God is going to say.

In my opinion there are three types prayers of “religious” people.  The fast majority are what I call “Expletive Deletes”.  These are the folk that spend very little time thing about God and God’s ways.  They believe in God they are just too busy living their lives to give God much thought.  They travel this world in varies financial circles and educational background with their main goal in life to simply survive.  They may go to church on a regular basis but most only get there when its a major holiday and even then, not so much lately.  Their prayers are those moments of shock, deep fear or need.  Then in a hurried breath they utter what almost sounds like swearing.  ”O God! ________(fill in blank with appropriate want).  Their faith and trust is mostly in themselves, making happen in their lives what needs to happen but then taking all the credit.  It is only when things don’t turn out that they acknowledge God wondering why God would do such a thing break up their marriage, destroy life, want them unemployed.  

The second group are those who are committed to living a life of faith but they rely completely on the leadership of the Church to lead.  They are at Mass each weekend and may even go to daily Mass.  Their prayers are formal such as the rosary or the wide variety of other written prayers.  They seek a relationship with God but one that they can keep at arms length.  Many even serve God in a wide variety of ways, both as paid position (clergy and religious included) and as serious volunteers, but when it comes right down to it they still remain the masters of their own fate.  Yes, they can hear the voice of God, when they choose to listen, but mostly they stick with the formal stuff.  That way they can appease God, and show those around them that they are people of faith without risking too much.  

This all sounds very judgmental and that is not my intention.  It is what it is.  Life is a series of stages, of growth.  Our challenge is to not become so rooted in one spot that we aren’t willing to grow and move to the next when the opportunity or call arises.  Physical growth happens regardless of our will or desire.  We get older with each day.  Development from infant to baby to toddler to child to adolescent to young adult to adult just happens regardless of whether we want it to or not.  Emotional, psychological and spiritual growth — now those we can control and most (myself so included) hold on to what is comfortable and safe.  But that is not God’s plan for us.  As Catholics, as people of faith, we call ourselves a Pilgrim People meaning that to remain with comfortable and safe means to eventually live in sin — if what God wants for us is elsewhere.

This brings me to the third group of those who enter into prayer.  And this is where prayer can become extremely scary.  These are the people who are seeking what Christ sought on the cross:  ”Not my will be done, but yours.”  And, as we can see by this one example God’s will is not always easy, painless or pleasant.  

I lay in bed this morning struggling once again to become motivated to pray.  So, instead of pulling my covers over my head and going back to sleep I simply asked the question:  ”Why?  Why is this getting so hard for me?  What am I afraid of?”  And in that moment I heard the voice of God — Fear.  Praying is hard for me, as it is for so many others, because I am afraid of what God will ask or where it will lead.  Wonder why it took me twelve years to get divorced?  Because I was afraid to pray about it.  I prayed for its healing in rosary after rosary.  I prayed for my healing in novena after novena.  It was only when I got silent that I began to hear the truth.  

Now before you write and tell me that God’s will is for us to be happy, whole and well — Yes, I know that.  But we must give up our safety, push past our comfort and grow, to be happy, WHOLE and well.  And trust me.  As one who has been through all that, it can be a very painful process.  And sometimes what God wants is not necessarily for our happiness but for the salvation of others; a will that we may never understand but if we seek to do God’s will we must do.  But yes, it is so worth it.  But by my basic nature I avoid pain, we avoid pain — so praying can be hard.

Again, today I have no answers just a few more insights.  My hope is that as I unpack each insight somewhere down in the depth of my soul will be my answer. But sometimes just admitting what is helps me to move on to the next step.   I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

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Tags: Faith Development, God's will, help in God, personal crisis, prayer, rosary

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