Sinking in Sin
Those who know me and work with me might see me as being cranky these past few days. I am sure 
their perception is true. Since Sunday evening I have been feeling overwhelmed and out-of-sorts. My focus of late has been to finish a document for our Middle School program that has been long overdue (like two years!). It seems like when I finally posted it to our cooperate web site I could feel myself sliding down into… this place I am in, whatever one might call it. Mostly I am tired. No, exhausted and overwhelmed.
You see I am just now beginning to understand that by my focusing on this project I kept at bay (for a short while) all the demons that torment me. What demons you ask? Dealing with the overwhelming sadnessat my marriage ending in divorce. The pain and regrets I struggle with as I working on my annulment. My personal finances — I have had to live on 1/4th of my regular income and I have some major bills I can’t pay right now. My job — which I have turned into a monster because of all the responsibility I added so as to hide from a bad marriage. My vocation – the STATIC program which I love to work with but demands so much creativity and energy and I am afraid I will let my partner down. Dealing with the demands of raising a teenage daughter. My present isolation as old friends fade away. All while going through the “change of life.”
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that I am any different than any other person. We all struggle with life. We want to believe that in this present world we should live in happiness and peace and prosperity. The reality we must remind ourselves of is that this is a fallen world and we all struggle with similar and different pain. Life isn’t perfect, at least not here. Shit happens and we must cope and move on. But how do we do that, we ask? The pain we feel is so real and tangible. The fear we feel can be consuming. Most hide from this reality from life in pills or booze or a myriad of other addictions. Me? I am done with an addictive life. I am trying to do what St. Peter did — reach for Jesus.
Interestingly our Gospel today is the same Gospel as yesterday. Matthew 14:22-36. Jesus walking on water and Peter trying to do the same. Jesus was successful and Peter wasn’t. Why do you think that was so? I believe that Jesus as the Son of God could keep his eyes firmly planted on what matters most — the love of God. Peter like you and me, starts off strong but allows the present world to shake his firm foundation and he slips and begins to sink; sink into the worries, problems and pain of his present world. I know in my head that all this crap that swirls around my life is fleeting — the pain of divorce; the fear of bills not paid; the demands of my job and vocation — but there are days I sink into them and allow them to consume me. Why? Because I forget to keep my eyes on Christ. And as I struggle to live a life without my old addictions, my old ways of being I haven’t as yet figured out how to cope; or I am not quick enough to cope and I sink… and get cranky, and crabby.
So, I end this blog by asking people to forgive me if in my present moment I offend or hurt them. I am human and I am doing my very best. And I ask all to pray for me that God will give me more strength to keep my eyes on the prize which is Him and Him alone. I remain, your servant in Christ,
Theresa
Tags: addiction, Coping, Cranky, Matthew 14, sin, Sinking
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