Just Going With the Flow
Tonight I dropped my daughter off for a birthday party that my ex’s family was having for her 17th. The feeling was strange. It was the first time I had to do that since this whole “adventure” began. Up till now my ex has picked her up to take her to family gatherings. I thought it would be for the big holidays that I would have a hard time, but then I probably prepared myself better for those moments. Tonight, driving away I truly felt the separation that divorce brings in families.
When people say that I am divorcing him or her not the family and friends they are naive or lying to themselves. There was hope in my heart that we would not loose any relationships over this but it has happened. His friends stayed his friends and mine stayed mine. His family… well, lets just say that even when I was included in family gatherings I was an outsider so that hasn’t changed much. And I am thrilled to say that the neice and nephew I watched grow up choose to stay in contact with me. But there have been those friends we have made through our daughter. She is close with their children so naturally we would do stuff together as a family. Now I find some saying to me “We want to have you to this but please don’t tell him.” or, graduation parties that I don’t get an invite to.
Tearing. Riping. Holes. That was what I was feeling tonight. A big whole in my life. For 20 plus years I worked hard to make these people a part of my life and now I can’t even go in the door… at least not today. My saddness tonight is not that my life is moving on but that people choose not to value me above the role I played in their lives. I was a daughter-in-law and now that I am no longer that I am no-one… to them. Too bad, because I am a pretty incredable person.
Life is a fluid thing. The more we try to hold onto it, to stop it from changing the more frustrated we 
become. Like holding onto water by making a fist, you literally squeeze the life out of it. For too long I tried to do it the other way…. To change myself so I become something I was not to hold onto something that had died a long time ago. I wasted a lot of energy and a lot of years. No more. I am going with the flow now. Like a leaf on a stream I am allow life to carry me where it willl; holes and all. A new me. In the past I would have manipulated myself or the situation to make everyone happy. Now I choose to live with the holes which I know will be healed with time. Until next time, I remain, your servant in Christ,
Theresa
Tags: birthday, change, divorce, family, growth, life
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