Timelytidbits’s Weblog

Wednesday was a very frustrating day. Overslept my alarm. More issues at work. But the major contribution to my frustration had to do with my trying to work through some computer problems in my new home. I am trying to go wireless and was told it would be a “simple” matter to load some software and attach some hardware. HA! It has been anything but simple. I finally broke down and offered to cook dinner for one of the husbands of a co-worker if they would come over and see if he could make it work. Lasgna for all!

If you are like me you want life to be simple. Just like Snow White, the birds should never stop singing and the work done with a whistle and a smile and everyone lives happily every after. I have just gone through one of the most horrible weeks (last week) of my life. I deserve a break. I want life to work out this week because it was so stressful last, but it doesn’t work that way. Life is Life. In our fallen world we will always have problems, mix-up, issues, quarrels and death. It is what it is. Life. If we sit around and whine because it isn’t the way we want what good will that do?

We must first accept life for what it is and then just accept that each day is going to have its difficulties. But each day is also filled with wonder and joy. My daughter is talking to me again. Did I mention that? My Bible study that I facilitate was a joy and a delight today (as they are every Wednesday). Did I mention that? The sky was beautifully clear and crisp today. Did I mention that? We CHOOSE the focus and decide our mood and disposition. We CHOOSE to be happy or not. We CHOOSE to see the life in life or to see the death. I want to see the life. How about you. I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

I can’t tell you how many times I have started this blog.  It seems like it was another lifetime ago that I was in the disciplined habit of sitting down every night to reflect and write.  It is amazing how much life can change in a few weeks, days, hours, minutes…actually seconds.  In the blink of an eye something can occur that changes us forever.  I think change is inevitable and the more we fight it the sicker we become.  Like trying to stop a strong current in a river, eventually our efforts consume us.  So we either choose to “go with the flow” or drown in our own nighmare.

I am in one of those rare moments in life where I can “re-invent” myself.  In many ways the process has already begun with my moving out and getting divorced, the question I am asking myself is how far to do want to take this.  I have a “friend” who keeps telling me that I am “this” polical party or “that” thelogical belief.  I don’t know.  It would be so easy to have someone else define me but I have done that for so long and I know that it has never made me happy.  I live the rest of that relationship wondering if they like me for who I really am or only because I agree with them.  Nope not for me…not any longer

Easter is about new life.  Our faith is about new life.  We are called in Baptism and strengthen through all the other sacraments to become all that God inteneded us to be.  But it takes work; hard work; daily work to make it happen.  St. John of the Cross used the image of faith being a walk up a moountain.  The top we find God.   At the botton the path is easy, smooth and filled with many others.  But as you go along and the road gets rougher the path steeper there are less and less people as they turn back or sit down.  Eventually you get to a point that you are all alone and the path has disappeared and all that is before you is jungle and a knife to cut your own path to God.

God loves me for who I am and who I can become.  Those are the poeple I want in my life.

God celebrates my victories and holds me in healing compassion when I fail.  Those are the people I want in my life.

God is my only destiny and I only want people who will support me as I cut out my own path to God; not expect me to simply sit back in complacency and root them on. 

I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

What can I say — it’s it done!  I am divorced.  I had one moment during the court proceeding that put me in a complete state of panic.  The Judge noticed that we were one week away from the mandatory 6 month period and questioned whether we should wait.  (The State of Michigan requires six months between the time of filing until the Divorce is complete in the case there is a minor child, in hopes that reconciliation will occur.)  Without going into detail I pleaded my case showing that our marriage has been over for years but that I put up with the crap for the sake of my child.  Now I am divorcing for her sake as well as mine.  I must have said something right because she conceded and granted the divorce.  I can tell you that I honestly expected the Hallelujah Chorus to be sung when the gavel hit or when we walked out of the courthouse (thanks to recent episodes of Eli Stone!) but nothing.  I  went numb.  I realize now that this moment was bitter/sweet.  How can one rejoice in such a moment?  Just like in war too much life is lost.

I want to take this opportunity to thank some people who made all the difference in the world to me in this process.  To Debbie who cares enough to want to rebuild our friendship.  To Carol who shows me daily that its about family and to both women who were living witness that there is life after divorce.  To Sue & Steve who showed me (in the worse possible way) that I can survive an attack from people who once professed their love in friendship, and do better then simply survive.  To my daughter who continues to make me want to be a better person each and every day and whose love sustains me.  And to Paul, a conservative ass, (inside joke) and my best friend; who listens to me whine (even though he hates when I do that); offered constructive criticism and direction when I was thinking out loud; bravely argues with me even when he is wrong; tries his best to always be honest with me, even when it hurts , and challenges me daily to be the person God created me to be– and expects the same of me. I could not have gone through any of this battle with out any of you.

God is good, loving and just. 

No one is more surprised that I am saying this then me.  I would not, could not have said that a year ago.  I have changed.  I have grown through this process and I am eternally thankful.  It is a sad statement of fact that we grow more during hardship then during the good times.  But, that is our fault not God’s.  Shit happens, often through our own ignorance and thoughtless design.  God simply provides the opportunity and invites us to walk with Him through it– its our Emmaus journey.  So we do not walk alone.  God is with us and our true friends and family as well.

I also realized yesterday that God cradled me this past week.  My week began as I facilitated 18 sweet cherubs receive their First Communion.  I could not help but smile with delight as they proclaimed their future as they sang:  “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.”  They proclaimed their future and mine.  And this past Sunday, (yesterday), I helped bring about 30 of my students receiving Confirmation.  There are no accidents with God.  And I may be off base in my thinking but I believe God was telling me: 

“I will nurture you through the battles of life; the storms of life. They will make you strong. And then I will send you out to live a new life.”
I have been sustained throughout this long three year process by the scripture from Jeremiah:

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart.“   Jeremiah 29:13

So, the strife is over, the Battle won!  I know that there will continue to be little skirmishes in the days, months, years to come as I process this experience into the rest of my life but that will be for later blogs.  For now I am content to rest in the hands of God, to build that future of hope, and to seek Him with all my heart.  I remain, Your Servant in Christ,

Theresa                                                                                                                 

“I will ask the Father, and he will give you another
Advocate to be with you always, the Spirit of truth,
Whom the world cannot accept because it neither sees or knows him.”

This quote from the Gospel is important to take some time to reflect on this one line. Jesus, through the power of God the Father has given us a great gift – the Holy Spirit. Through our baptism and strengthened through the gifts and participation in the other sacraments God lives within us. The Spirit of Truth resides in those who believe. Yet like our physical muscles we don’t use this gift until some great tragedy or problem and then we strain it to the point of almost breaking and wonder why God isn’t there.

Being a person of faith in this present world is not easy. As a matter of fact the deeper you believe, the more passionate you become, the more difficult it is to live in this world. I have used the term counter cultural before but it bears repeating: To truly live out our Catholic Christian faith in this present age means making a choice. O.K. Stop reading and really think for a moment – we must make a CHOICE for our faith, an active DECISION each day, to live differently than the world would have us live. The simple act of choosing to go to Mass can be an act of revolt. The coaches protest, the family fumes, the laundry remains undone and we loose a few hours of sleep, but to believe means to be present to God in Church on the weekend. How about how we dress? Or how we talk to one another? What is our attitude? Is it one of defeat and denial? Or, is it one of hope and belief in the impossible resurrections of life?

What I am saying does not deny the dark nights of the soul or that life can be very difficult but our choices of attitude and action are even more important because that is our living testimony to our belief that God has given us the Spirit of truth. Until next week I remain, Your Servant in Christ,

Theresa

If you have been following the personal side of my blogs you will know that I am in the process of going through a very traumatic experience — divorce after almost 21 years of marriage.  Well, one of the final chapters has been in the process of being written these past two weeks.  Two weeks ago I moved out of our home of 15 years and this week we make our first (and hopefully last) trip to divorce court.  I write this for two reasons.  First as a way of explaining why, after weeks of consistantly posting almost daily I seem to have fallen off the wagon.  My life is in upheavel and my new place doesn’t have internet…yet.

I write for another reason.  Easter is a season in which we are to remind ourselves that there is no death without life.  This divorce has been incredible painful.  I truly felt as if I was walking “through the valley of death” each and every day.  But now that there seems to be the beginning of the end I can say I see the life. 

Growth is a natural part of life.  Just look at the seasons.  Everything around us is in constant change.  The tree doesn’t say to itself: “Hm, I’ve live a good life I think I will stop growing and just stay the way I am.”  Fall comes and the leaves die.  Spring and new growth.  Flowers, animals, all life continues a pattern in which just staying stagnate is not an option.  Yet, we as humans often find that comfortable place and pray for things to stay the same.  This pain at least I know.  This saddness I can live with.  We don’t want to move.  Yet, the harder we hold onto remaining the same the more stagnate our lives become.  My divorce has taught me that change is a natural part of life.  If I don’t invite it; embrace it; live with it willingly like a storm that destroys all in its path so will the natural progression of life. 

So, my apologies to those who are looking for something new.  I will be back on a daily basis but in the mean time I will get to a computer as often as i can.  And to everyone else I saw be patient with me — God isn’t finished with me yet and I am so thankful.  I remain, Your servant in Christ,

Theresa

When was the last time someone confronted you with the truth about yourself? Maybe one of your children, or a spouse, co-worker or boss; but someone reminded you that you are not as perfect as you want to pretend. What did you do? Did you rationalize what you do so that you could continue doing it? Did you ignore their observation refusing to see yourself as anything other than “perfect”? Or did you listen and consider seriously their concern? Growth happens only in the light of our willingness to acknowledge and accept the truth about ourselves, even when it isn’t very pretty — especially when it isn’t very pretty.

This weekend our first reading begins with a very interesting fact. The “outside” world was criticizing the early Christian Community. “the Hellenists complained against the Hebrews” (remember these “Hebrews” were Christians who had converted). It seems the early community was neglecting their widows. Now, the community could have rationalized out the problem by saying something like– “we were too busy” or, “we want them to be self-sufficient” or “what widows? We have widows?” Taking this stance would allow them to believe that the Hellenists were not seeing what they were seeing; that they didn’t have the complete truth or story and therefore given the early Christian Community the permission to do nothing, to change nothing. But they didn’t do that, did they? They accepted the criticism in light of the Word of God, the scriptures, and did something about it.

Where are you when you are exposed in the light of truth? Easter, if we take it seriously, provides us with the opportunity to celebrate the gift of the resurrection but shines light into the dark corners of our lives and demands us to look and change our ways. So often we see conversion as only a lenten experience when in truth our walk in faith is meant to be a constant call to conversion and growth. Criticism or being made aware of mistakes can be an opportunity for our benefit and growth. I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

Jesus said to his disciples:
“Do not let your hearts be troubled.
You have faith in God; have faith also in me.    John 14:1

Taken from today’s reading of the gospel, this passage really bugs me!  I understand what Jesus is saying.  He wants us to recognize who should have the true authority and power in our lives.  Jesus says something similar in Matthew chapter 6:  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. (verses 26-29)  I get it!  I don’t like it but I get it!  We worry, obsess, concern ourselves about what we think is important when in truth its all trival matters in the plan of God.  What bugs me about these ideas why does it seem that some people live these enchanted lives and me…, at best you would say I am surviving mine.

I am angry right now.  Although I know that I am responding in the best way I can to God’s word and way; and I am making healthy choices for myself and for my daughter.  So why is there nothing but apperatnt failure surrounding me?  Next week I will be in divorce court.  Next month we will be filing bankrupcy for our store.  And my place of ministry is questioning my ethical treatment of my time.  My heart is exceptionally troubled.  I feel unwanted, unloveable and unappreciated.  But there in lies the rub — I “feel” but what is that reality?

I have served in ministry for over 30 years, 8 in this present parish.  There is one person who is questioning my ethics.  One person! And there are hundreds who tell me daily that they think I am the next best thing to sliced bread.  Our store, after 18 months, is not going to survive — but I truly believe we did everything we could to make it happen.  Had not the Michigan economy gone sour and some unexpected problems arise among other things we would still be plugging away.  And I know that in these past 18 months we have served the Catholic/Chrisitan community well.  If nothing else these past 18 months have been a life preserver for me in a stormy sea.  As for unwanted and unloveable that is for no one else to determine but me.  I decide who I am and how I am in this world — nobody else.  Just because my soon-to-be-ex-husband is too caught up in his own fears and agenda to see the wonder I am… not my problem.

There is an idea that gets expressed in a number of ways but a friend of mine constantly is challenging me to see the cup as half full rather than half empty.  We make the choices as to what meaning we bring to anygiven moment.  If God is the God of all creation there is nothing in our lives that God is not master of.  So, if I can say these experiences of (divorce, loss of our business and challenges at work) are the work of the devil could I not also say they are opportunities for God to be God?  My heart is troubled not because my life is filled with trouble but because I define the experiences I am having as troubling and difficult and filled with death.  When I let go and let God be God I know that there will be an end; that there is meaning to these moments and that this is only one small chapter in my life experiences.  And the best is yet to come.

 So, if you are looking at this day, or this moment and feeling the stress that living in the world brings.  Stop yourself.  Count your blessings.  Think about what good could come from this moment and realize that is the path God wants you to walk.  Not the one of dispair.  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

Have you ever played the game Simon Says?  It is a simple enough activity in which the leader commands the participants to do whatever he askes simply by saying “Simon Says”.  The trick of the leader of this game, is to try to catch everyone by getting them to follow him even without the command. 

“Simon says: touch your toes.  Simon says:  touch your nose.                Touch your ears.  Simon didn’t say to touch your ears.”

You get the idea.  I was at a national youth conference where there were thousands of teens crowded into the auditorium and this game was played.  One by one students had to sit down because they were “caught” not following Simon.  My reflection at the time was how much this “game” was like our walk in faith.  Jesus is Simon, yet most of us spend our lives listening to someone elses voice and not following the commands of God. 

This Sunday throughout the Catholic Church is known as “Good Shepherd” Sunday.  Our reading taken from the gospel of St. John 10:1-10 has us hearing the words of Jesus as he calls us into the fold.  We are the sheep.  He is the shepherd.  Our goal and challenge in life is simply this:  to follow HIS voice, none other.  But how can you do that if you don’t know what it sounds like.  I have had many individuals “complain” to me that they wish God would “be more direct”; “speak more plainly” because they don’t know what to do.  When I ask them what they have “done” to listen most will mumble something and walk away, afraid to admit they haven’t done much.  Our call in faith to, at the very least, attend Mass each weekend — our call in faith to pray daily — our call in faith to read and study the scriptures and the teachings of the church are not there just to give us busy work.  God knows that it is only in this way that we will be able to recognize the voice of the Good Shepherd among the cacophony of our noisy life if we stay close to him.

I am sometime criticised that I have no life outside of the Church.  My response… there is no life outside of the love of God which is most profoundly expressed through the Church.  Why would anyone choose to be anywhere else?  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

Occasionally there are those moments in life in which a source outside ourselves helps us to define an experience or leads us into a deeper understanding of life happenings.  That is why I love to read, both fiction and nonfiction, listen to music and watch movies and some televsion.  Last night I was able to catch the latest episode of Eli Stone (ABC television).  The basic premise of the show is a very vendictive, highly successful lawyer developes, by accident, a relationship with the heavens.  Like a modern day prophet, Eli sees things that others don’t and once he “interprets” the signs it helps him help others.  Last night’s episode content wasn’t that mind boggling but a statement was made that helped me to understand the walk I have been taking these past few years.  When faced with an difficult choice — one that would lead to playing it safe or one that would require something of the individual, Eli would say “Live Brave.”  Another words go in the direction of challenge; growth; life — bravely step out into life.

Well, truthfully I don’t know if that is all the character in the show meant but that is what it means to me.  Most of my life I have lived in the shadow of fear.  I didn’t want to say what I needed because I was afraid to rock the boat.  I was afraid to act on what I knew to be right for fear of rejection.  I balked at  becoming the person I believed God intends me to be because I was afraid I would not be loved or liked.  Yes, I played it safe and yes I was secure but very lonely and very unhappy.

I am begining to wonder if fear is the original sin.  In the Catholic Church we have an understanding that when Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge in the garden they created a mark that all humanity is born into — Original Sin.  As I walk through life I see people, all sorts of people struggling to be happy, struggling to be safe, struggling to find peace.  Most will be able to tell you what they believe would truly bring that on in their lives but they do nothing about it.  Why?  Because they are afraid.  What happens if I tell this person I love them and they don’t love me in return?  So, I remain silent and live in quiet desperation.  What if I pursue my dream and I fail?  So, they remain in a dead end job.  My fear was “what if I leave him and my life is no better?”  So, I stayed for 21 years.  Until I realized that even if my live didn’t improve I would at least live in the satisfaction that I was the captain of my destiny not my fears. 

I am not advocating throwing caution into the wind and wildly pursuing whatever you fancy.  What I am suggesting is to pray about it.  Listen to your heart.  Seriously look at what gives you joy.  God did not create us to live in misery.  Misery is a part of life but to choose to remain there when you have options is the definition of insanity.  Some would (and have) called me selfish for pursuing some sense of peace and joy in my life which I would have been happy to have WITH my soon-to-be ex-husband if he had not choosen to ignore my call to growth out of fear of dealing with his demons.  But I choose to see myself as brave as I fought against my own demons and stood up for myself.  Will my life be perfect?  Absolutely not.  Its a failen world and I have many demons to go but at least I am a step closer.  I remain, Your servant in Christ,

Theresa

Like many churches we have an adult bible study that meets on Wednesday mornings. It is one of my most favorite times of the week. To be with people who are strong in their faith; seeking to grow stronger and thirsting to know the ways of God — truly nurtures my soul just being with them. At present we are studying 1 Corinthians and are almost done. Today we were focused on Chapter 15:12-19. Paul is trying to challenge those of the community who want to question the validity of the resurrection. It was the conversation that came out of these verses that was incredible. Two main ideas came out of our discussion.  First is the idea that, really, we aren’t that far removed from the early disciples. In the same way they had to work hard to make sense of what Jesus said and what the resurrection meant by our call to faith we are to do the same thing. Yes, we have two thousand years of church teaching to help us understand it all but we still must do the work to accept it and live it out in our daily lives. Just like the early apostles we must make sense of what Jesus said and did and work out for ourselves what it means for us. To sit and blindly accept without thinking and digesting it makes us robots not Catholics.

The second conversation had to do with personal Easter or Resurrection in our lives. As we discussed why people have a hard time understanding and accepting we began to discuss our own lives and how difficult it can be to live our faith in front of others. We discussed how no matter what hope needs to be the message that we communicate; that no matter what death you are experiencing — divorce, illness, loss job, or loosing a loved one — we believe there is life if we look and allow for it. We may never find it in this life but we believe in the hope of resurrection in all things; Easter comes.

Life can be difficult to live out and most days survival is the best we can do but our faith can give us life and light but we must be open to it coming as God wants, in God’s timing. People walk away from faith not because they don’t believe but because they were too selfish to be open to the answer God gave and to impatient to wait on God. So, celebrate the idea that there is life after death — even if you don’t see it. I remain, Your servant in Christ,

Theresa