Timelytidbits’s Weblog

This may come off as sounding like I am tooting my own horn but be as it may….. I am exhausted.  My day job (and most nights too) is as a Pastoral Minister in a Catholic parish.  In this day and age of fewer and fewer priests, us lay ministers are called into more and more of what use to be the priests sole areas of expertise.  In other words, we do some of the stuff they use to do — Stations of the cross, rosaries, funeral vigils, and so on.  These past two weeks my boss, the pastor has been on vacation.  When he goes my work load increases for so many reasons, but add to the fact that it is Lent and I am exhausted.  This week alone I “courted” all the visiting priests saying our weekend Masses and for two funerals (showed them around, got them settled, helped them with our community routines…); taught a 2 hour class for our 8th grade Confirmation group; taught a 2 hour adult education class on women of the Bible (which I did last minute because of someone elses incompetence in calendars); facilitated and preached at 2 communion services, taught at our RCIA, facilitated our Bible study, ran the Stations of the Cross and night prayer and preached a retreat to our parish womens group.  Again, this may come off as sounding like I am tooting my own horn but be as it may….. I am exhausted. 

In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus says to the crowd “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)  After a week like I’ve had I just want to laugh.  “You have got to be kidding, Lord.”  There was nothing easy about this week and the burden I carried was extensive.  But the question I must ask myself…. who placed this work load on my shoulders?  God?  or Me?  Yes, I realize that ministry is a very demanding vocation and there are times (such as Lent, Easter, Christmas…) where there is much to do.  And in truth I do it (most of the time) with a glad heart.  But I am the one who cannot let go.  I am the one who expects so much of myself.  I am the one who has placed this burden upon my shoulders.

Think of the last time you felt loved.  I mean, really really appreciated and celebrated and loved.  Why were you in that moment?  Was it because of the “stuff” you “do” or, was it because of who you are?  I realize that it is difficult to seperate out what we do from who we are but not for God.  Does God love an infant any less because they can do so little?  How about someone stricken with an illness that keeps them in bed?  Am I loved more because of all I do?  The Church and the Scripture tell us, no.  St. Paul reminds us over and over again, we cannot earn God’s grace and love.  Before we were born, we were loved. You are loved simple because you are you.   You, I, no one can earn our way to heaven…earn God’s love.  Its already ours.

So, the next time you are exhausted because of all that you are doing.  Don’t shake your fist to the heavens demanding God to leave you alone.  Look, rather, into a mirror and ask yourself why are you doing this to yourself.  And I dare you to stand there long enough to hear and receive the answer.  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

Have you ever wondered why some relationships work and others don’t?  Friendships, marriages, family, partnerships…?  I mean those associations that truly stand the test of time and are healthy, vibrant and growing.  There are those faithful around us that seem to be going somewhere; developing as a person; faith becoming stronger; yet others who remain stuck in a faith they had 10, 20, 30 years ago.  How do they do it?   I believe that it has to do with the strength of chararcter to have honest self-reflection.

Whether it comes from our insecurities or uncertainties in life, most people when faced with an unknown immediately build walls and begin to dig moats.  Self protection and self-preservation!  The run and hide rather than face the moment.  When I look to scripture I see one person that inspires me to be honest with myself.  (There are more but this would go on forever.)  Peter!  In his excellence was the ability to humbly admit  he was  a sinner and need for God. How often did Peter try only to fail misrable.  Each time did Peter  run from the moment in fear or puff up his ego and make excuses for why it worked for others but not for him.  (Wrong time of day….the fish just started getting hungry….)  No, his openness and honesty with himself placed him in the primary position to receive the healing love of God.

 Each week when we come to mass we stand in the midst of the holy of holies yet our posture is often that we deserve to be here; or boredom.  When was the last time we stopped and recognized that we too are a sinful people and that we need the grace of God to become more.  When was the last time when faced with a difficulty in a relationship we said to ourselves how did I contribute to this problem and then say we are sorry.  A little contrition is good for the soul.  Until next week, I remain, your servant in Christ, Theresa

I work up this morning with a upper sinus infection — a cold.  I can’t and won’t complain because I am usually someone who gets sick multiple times throughout the year and this is the first major problem I have had all year.  But I know its stress related.  You see my boss, (the pastor, the priest — I work at a Catholic Church) is out of town for two weeks and when he goes (which is often) I am left to do my job and cope with the pastoral work of his.  I am not complaining because  I enjoy the work and he is not only my boss and priest but he is my friend.  So, I truly hope he is enjoying his time off.  My problem is that I expect; no demand too much of myself.  I hold myself to a very high standard.  I care about the people I serve and I don’t want to see them disappointed.  So, when our new baby Deacon, after requesting a specific date for a presentation, “forgot” and booked work out of town… I stressed myself out by putting something together; right in the middle of an already stressed out week.  Why would I do that to myself?

I am a people pleas-er.  My self esteem is directly related to how well I please the people around me.  And I am good at it.  Like a camelian I can change my entire direction, attitude, actions and posture at the drop of a hat.  In an hour I can deal with 6 very distinct different situations and deal with people with problems and not break a sweat.  No teacher for a kindergarden catechism class — I create a lesson plan in my head as I am walking down to the class.  Teacher shows up as they tell me the toilet is over flowing.  Where’s the plunger?  Angry parent — I can listen and appease.  Terrified teen — my arms are big and strong.  Lead community prayer; preach a communion service; administrate a budget.  Yes, I am a pastor’s dream lay employeee.  Problem is I don’t know who I am anymore when I am not for someone else.  And in a moment such as this, with a cold raging through my head — who is there to take care of me?

I have to be careful because I have a friend who reads my blog and he only allows me to whine three times a week.  I am not whining.  I am looking deep within and asking a question that all of us, especially those of us who are caretakers — who is there for us?  Have we built a system of support into our lives?  What do we do with vacation days and days off?  Do we even schedule them.  I am in a very, very poor place in my life right now.  Working through a divorce, dealing with a teenage daughter, coping with the aftermath of the betrayal of a friend and confidant; and working way to many hours — something had to give — so I caught a cold!  The same friend who won’t let me whine excessively told me once:  “If I don’t love yourself then who will?”  (a subject of a later blog)

Christ died on the cross so that we don’t have to.  And crucifying ourselves with the modern instrument of stress is not in God’s plan either.  It may seem trite but it is so true — Let go and let God.  That is going to be the mantra of my day… until I can get home and back into my bed.  Let go and let God.  I cannot be all things to all people.  I cann’t even be some things to a few people.  Today I seek to do what I can but not at the expense of myself.  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

As a small child I was fortunate enough to grow up on a small 10 acre farm surrounded by 100 acres of wood.  (Yes, me and Christopher Robin.)  What made it all so wonderful was when we would play those favorite childhood games like Hide and Seek.  We would all know to bring a book when we hid because it could take all day to be found.  We learned to set limits on place, space and time or I might still be out in those favorite spots hiding from the world.  I still play the game now but with my favorite adult twist… numbing myself from the pains of life.  Lately I have wondered if Jesus was ever tempted to “run away” and hide?

 Think about it…  its been a long day of preaching and his energy is gone from all the miracles and misunderstandings.  All he wants is a warm meal, a little light conversation, a few laughs and a good night sleep.  But now that the apostles have him alone they bombard him with a thousand questions that if they had only listened earlier…  Or, he seeks the peace and quiet of His Father’s House; the Temple and the first thing he has to deal with is all the money changers.  And then we have the hypocrisy of the Temple leadership; the arrogance of his followers; the emptiness of his earth bond separation from his Father…  All hard to deal with.  What to do?

What did Jesus do?  A simple glance at the Gospels show us:  He prayed.  He pulled himself apart from the crowd and he literally placed himself in God’s hands.  Throughout all of scripture we see Jesus do that time and time again — pray.  Even and especially before his most difficult hour — he prayed.  He made it a priority to HIDE in the arms of God and to SEEK God’s guidance and direction. 

I know.  I know.  You are going to tell me you pray too.  Really?  Now lets take a moment and look at that.  If your prayer is like my prayer its filled with me telling God what I want, and how I want it and when I want it.  The listening part, if I do allow for that, is very short and sweet; VERY short and sweet.  The type of prayer that I need to develop, I need to work on is the prayer where I let God be God and I come to find rest, comfort and healing.  Like a small child all I want is to crawl up into the lap of God and allow my Father to wrap his loving arms around me and just be.  Just be in a place that I am accepted and loved for all I am, warts and wonders.  But that will only happen when I stop playing games with myself and God.  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

Undoubtly one of the most hated personalities in the Bible is Judas.  He stands for everything that is evil and bad.  I recently had a nightmare of an experience, and in the midst of it a friend (who just happens to be a Catholic priest) tried to comfort and challenge me by saying:  “Its Lent.  Try meditating on how Jesus must have felt when Judas betrayed him.” 

As you might guess from the comment I had a different ”friend” stab me in the back; not once, not twice but three times.  And the last had the intent, (I believe), of her seeking my public humiliation and the loss of my job.  I have been betrayed before and I have had people seek to undermine what I was doing in my ministry; but never by a friend and never after I spent so much time and energy mentoring, and helping them through personal pain.  Yes, I think I do have a deeper insight into what Jesus must have felt and betrayal is only the icing on the cake.

We don’t know much about Judas from scripture but I think that had more to do with the anger and hatred of the gospel writer than anything.  What we do know is that Judas was one of the twelve, the chosen ones, Jesus’ inner circle.  He was there at the feeding of the four(five) thousand.  He was there for the calming of the sea.  Judas was there throughout Jesus’ public ministry and shared in all those private ones as well.  The intimate chats around the fire.  The laughter and the teaching…  Judas was close to Jesus.  Why then would he betray our Lord?  We can only guess — personal ambition, greed, maybe even trying to protect Jesus?  

It has also been discussed whether Jesus knew of Judas upcoming betrayal.  He knew at the Last Supper because he identified him with the dipping of the bread.  Did I know I was going to be betrayed?  I had friends who tried to warn me but I kept hoping that my friendship with this person was different (blindness).  Somehow I had touched them in a way that no one else had (ego).  Were there warning signs?  Certainly, but I choose to ignore them wanting to believe people were better then their worse personality trait (ignorance).   Did it hurt me?  Absolutely! Mostly because I believe in my ongoing need to be punished (self-hatred)

Jesus was fully human but we know that his struggle with his ego, his ignorance of human nature and self hatred were none existent being the Son of God.  And, if these moments did happened it was for only a fraction of a second.  But the one character trait that I do identify with Jesus is the deep deep disappointment he must have felt.  Knowing Judas’ potential.  Picking him knowing what he was capable of and watching Judas give in to the worst part of himself.  I believe that Jesus cried not only for Judas but cries for each one of us.  Our betrayal of him is not as public as Judas but we do betray Jesus when we allow our ego, ignorance, self-hatred, fear, pride and a thousand other “issues” be the guiding force to our action.  In those moments we share in the betrayal of Judas and we lead our Lord once more to the cross.  Maybe if we would all get our act together there would only be an Easter without the Lent and then Christ could come again.  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

When we investigate the synopic gospels all three share the story of  Jesus going into the desert for prayer and direction before beginning his public ministry.  Two of the gospels say that it was at the end of 40 days of fasting andprayer that Jesus was hungry and was then tempted by the Devil.  I am beginning to wonder about that image.  Up till recently I have held this idea that for 39 days Jesus relaxed in the shade of a rock and enjoyed his moments of peace and solitude and it wasn’t until he got up to leave this experience that the devil had his due.  I don’t think that way anymore.  I look at my own experience and realize, yes, we have those big moments of temptation where we wrestle through the dark night of our soul for resolution.  But, mostly we wrestle daily in small, seemingly insignificant ways for power and dominion over our soul.

I wake up in the morning and the wrestling match begins… I don’t want to leave the safty of my nice warm bed.  What does it matter if I put off for another day the 1001 things I was going to do before I left for work.  A desert moment.   I finally drag myself up and plod my way to the shower.  “Think positive thoughts about the day” I inform myself, but, my worst nature jumps in thinks of all that could go wrong.  A desert moment.  Now out of the shower and dressed I look into the refrigerator seeking something to eat.  I know I should find something healthy but my body screams for comformt food.  A desert moment.  Get the idea?  This is only the first half hour of my day and already I have wrestled with temptation three times.   If this is my experience then it must have been Jesus’ too.

I realize that Jesus was wrestling with the temptation of the world and I cannot compare myself to him.  But what we struggle with is very real and should not be made light of.  Each struggle gives power to one side or the other for dominance of our soul. And that is no small matter.

Lent is a season that reminds us that temptation is a part of our daily lives and it requires patience, prayer and discipline if we are going to successful find ourselves on the side of life.  It is hard, daily work that tests us in many ways.  Some of us fail.  Some of us suceed.  Most of us win some and loose some.  But God loves us all regardless.  Thanks be to God!  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

Have you ever noticed how chairs are never just a chair… in a family or work setting.  At home call everyone to dinner and everyone knows just where to sit.  At work hold a business meeting and if the seats aren’t assigned but someone they are by everyone.  Even at Church, have you noticed that everyone pretty much sits in the same pew at the same Mass?  Want to have some fun with this?   Take someone’s seat next time you can and watch the frustration and confusion?  Just be prepared for adverse reactions.

Today in the Catholic Church liturgical calendar we celebrate a unique feast — The feast of the Chair of Peter.  Interesting that we should include a special day to recognize a chair.  And no, the Church is not talking about the chair Peter sat in at the last supper.  We, as a faith community, are called, on this day, to remember where the authority of the Church comes from — God.  Remember the passage in the Gospel of Matthew (16:1 when Jesus says:  “…you are Peter, and on this rock I build my church,…”  It is God, through Jesus Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit, that we worship.  It is God that we honor.  And it is God who speaks through the men and women in authority to do so through the Church.  Yes, we are to participate in the process but, just as we do in our daily lives but giving “seats of honor”, we need to take time to honor the seat the Church’s authority has in our lives.

So, as you go through you day let us give thanks to God for establishing the Church.  For trusting humanity enough to invite us to be active participants in the process of being the world to the truth.  And finally, lets thank God that God is God; because I would hate to see the shape of the world if you or I were left in charge.  I remain, your servant in Christ,

Theresa

As the parent of a very active teen, and as a professional that must deal with schedule events in and around families busy lives, I hate calendars!!!!  In truth I don’t hate calendars because in and of themselves they are harmless and very helpful.  What I hate is what they represent  –  commitments and most often commitments on top of commitments.  Right now we are struggling through my teenage daughter having obligated herself, some five months ago, to a weekend event that she no longer wants to attend.  She has been commited for years to a cultural dance ensamble that practices on the weekend, which we would have to missed, which she doesn’t want to miss to attend this weekend event that she no longer wants to go to.  On top of that she has an opportunity to be involved in an educational opportunity which, (you guessed it) occurs this weekend.  Which she understand would be good for her college resume but doesn’t want to attend because she wants to go to dance practice but probably won’t because she is already obligated to attend a weekend event that she doesn’t want to attend.  Confused yet?  Try living through this while giving advice and direction but forcing the teen to make the decisions.  I hate calendars!

Our lives are busy.  I believe too busy.  We fill them with work, school, church, social clubs, service activities, family obligations and more.  Why?  Well, we need to work to pay bills; and we need school to get a good job so that we can work to pay bills and we… oh no!  Lets not do this again!  Words, activities, problems they fill our day and spill over into our evening and haunt us through the night.  We are too busy doing stuff, or running back and forth from the stuff we are doing to spend any time doing one of the essential ingredients to a happy and healthy life… building relationships.  It scares me sometimes when I think about my daughters future.  Will these events and activities be opportunities for her to build a life or to run away from one?  I sometimes think we keep ourselves busy to drown out the loneliness and emptiness we feel.  And I am terrified that this is the lesson I have taught her by how busy I keep my life.

Our time on this earth is very short.  In our youth we believe we will live forever but as we age we know that our lives are nothing more then a blink.  I doubt very seriously that God is going to care about which event my daughter chooses to participate in this weekend.  I also doubt that God’s evaluation of participation in any or all of these events is based on a happiness factor (What ever makes you happy, dear!).  So what would please God in this moment?  I believe it has to do with the activity or event that will acknowledge God and God’s divinity with the highest degree of authentic personal participation.  Yes, that could be at the weekend event (Did I mention its an Archdiocesen Catholic Teen Conference) except if she is misrable and makes everyone around her so.  Yes, it could be at the dance practice if she acknowledges God as the giver of her body and her natural sense of rhythm and pride in her heritage; but no if she beats herself up feeling guilty that she should be someplace else.  And so too with the education opportunity.  In our busy lives we must make choices.  Let us keep in mind that which brings us closest to God should always be our priority.  Until next time, I remain your servant in Christ,

Theresa

A few days ago I offered a small reflection on the movie A Beautiful Mind (Directed by Ron Howard, Starring Russell Crowe).  I suggested in that blog that we aren’t that far from John Nash, a brilliant Mathametician but struggling schizophrenic.  I want to come back to this theme because it occurs to me there is a greater truth here.  Let me begin by asking the question:  What are you afraid of?  Death.  Lonliness. Rejection.  I think this is a very important thing for each of us to deal with in our lives.  If not then they become for us the voices we struggle against, just like John Nash, seeking to block out our fears through poor coping skills such as food, television and taking care of others.  What are you afraid of?

Me?  I am afraid of many things — of not being liked or loved (I have made a whole career out of this one); of failure… of rejection… even of success.  Shall I go on because there is more?  I had built my life around hiding from dealing with or facing these issues.  And even though, in recent months, I have made tremoundous strides in facing these serpents in my life there has been a recent set of events that sent me spiraling right back down again.  This event scared me.  In dealing with the aftermath I too quickly moved back into the safty of my old ways of coping and dealing with life and it was comfortable.  Like snuggling down into your covers on a cold winters day and snoozing a while longer.  I didn’t want to get out.  I have to admit that I stand on the edge not sure which way is the better way to go… my old ways of coping that I know is safe but must admit is unproductive or a new life that holds way to many risks but potentially could mean true freedom.

I wonder if this is how David felt facing the giant, Goliath.  I wonder if there was a moment when he saw how big and ugly and powerful this monster was when he said to himself; “Hell no!  I gotta go!”  It was easy to offer; to think about facing the enemy when David was safe in the tent of King Saul before he knew the truth of the situation.  I am sure there was a moment when David thought about turning back to his safe fields watching his sheep, facing problems he knew he could deal with.  What if he failed with Goliath?  But with a cocky flip of his head (that only youth can do) he quickly talks himself out of the moment thinking of what?  Glory?  Success?  The heads of the pretty girls he will turn when he wins?  And then he sees the giant.  Now its no longer a theory but it is real and he is scared.

We know from scripture that David turns to God for the strength and courage to face his giant.  What do you turn to?  Lent is about facing our giants without the false gods we have created to numb ourselves from the truth.  Lent is about giving up, not chocolate but those “things” and “attitudes” that keep us supposedly safe but unproductive in our lives.  Is it scary?  Hell yes!  And I wish I could tell you from the “other side” that its all worth it, but these are our own personal “Agony in the Garden”.   Like David, like Jesus we must look inside ourselves, find the courage and strength and face what is right in front of us.  Our only other option is to find ourselves getting deeper and deeper bound to sin in our lives.

A few years ago I decided that I needed to get healthy.  Being several pounds over weight (over 70 to be exact) I thought it was a simple matter of self-denial and discipline.  I began a regiment of diet and because of all the information “out there” I knew that I needed to exercise and possible deal with a few emotional issues.  What began as a simple journey, turned into a life changing process.  It was less about my weight and more about my lack of discipline with food and exercise and everything about the emotional issues in my life.  As I dealt with these emotional issues I had to admit I was maintaining a failed marriage; supporting poor friendships that fed into the worse part of me; and heeping a whole lot of guilt on myself to sustain both.  Needless to say the weight, which began as my focus, was a minor problem compared to the rest.  I wish I could say that as I deal with all my emotional issues the weight just flew off.  It hasn’t.  It has all been hard, frustrating work followed by more hard frustrating work followed by disappointment, discouragement and fatigue.  Yes, there have been a few great moments too.  Gee, I am making this sound so wonderful, huh? What I am telling you is the truth. 

 As a faithful Catholic I believe in our liturgical seasons.  More than that, I am thankful for and celebrate the gift of our Church calendar.  Our society would have us believe that there is gain WITHOUT pain.  Take this pill, say these words, buy that product and all will be well.  TA DA!  Easter without Lent.  Resurrection without Cruxifixion.  We need Lent.  We need to be reminded that we must die to have the resurrections of our life.  We need to embrace our crosses, lift them high and carry them up to a final destination, the way Jesus did, only to experience death because only then will we gain the joy of Easter.  Unfortunately, most of society would rather medicate themselves with food or alcohol (to name only a few) or deny the truth rather then ease into the pain and be done with it.

Do I want to be on this journey?  Absolutely not!  But I would rather be slapped with the truth and be free then be caressed with a lie and be bound to it forever.  What can I say… I am a glutton for punishment.  I remain, your servant in Christ.