Lately I have been thinking quite a bit about who do I want to become when I get older. This may seem like a funny thing for a 50 something divorced 
woman but its true. I believe very strongly that we continue to grow and become throughout our lives. Every experience, every person we meet, each opportunity — they all are there for us to experience, process and grow. Sad but true it’s often the worst, most painful experiences in life that cause the most growth but I realize that for some growth we must be pulled into it kicking and screaming. And even then many do not use these valuable times as opportunity to become more but as reasons to stay the same or become even less. Human nature, I guess.
It has been a very difficult last few years. Confronting myself and my many addictions (which I still have and struggle with); recognizing the sickness that was my marriage; dealing with life as my now young adult daughter becomes less and less dependent on me. It has all sent me into a tail spin that I am not sure I have recovered from yet. But I am in a good place these days. I am in a great place. My family has looked past my many faults, forgiven me and come to my rescue, more than once. I have some friends who took me in throughout these past years who continue to embrace and love me like one of their own. I have a home were I can breath; escape from the troubles of my day; enjoy peace and quiet and just be. This summer I have been very aware of a sense of transition — moving out of where I have been and facing a new day, a new future. Which brings me to my initial question: What do I want to be when I grow up?
I am looking at the fact that, if all goes well, I will have another 20 plus years of productivity and ministry. I continue to believe that God has called me, set me apart for the ministry I do and that doesn’t just end because I want it 
to. Like being a parent; once that child is born you will always hold a responsibility towards that child. But, if you are a good parent, you recognize that the relationship changes; the demands and expectations change as the child grows in grace, age and wisdom. I have been involved in Church ministry for 30 years. I have done many different types of ministry and enjoyed them all. I have served at my present parish for 10 years. What I hoped, dreamed would happen… well, while there are promises there is no follow through. “Great idea, Theresa” is said. “That is what we are going to do” is promised but here I sit doing the same stuff I did 10 years ago. At one time I had hoped to take on a priestly parish as its administrator; but that too is becoming less and less likely. I love and revel in the challenges of the beginnings of ministry ideas. I am not a maintenance type of person (doing the same old same ole, year after year). So, what now?
I have taken one step. I have begun the process of registering at our local seminary to work on another Masters degree in Pastoral Ministry. I would begin classes in the winter semester. But is this really what I want to do? I don’t know. School is a great place to learn; not just stuff but about ourselves. Having taken religious and philosophy classes all my life I enter myself into the equation. I cannot talk about sin in the world without looking at sin in my life. Its a good place for me to be to “figure things out.” But do I want to do this in the context of another religious based degree and organization? Maybe I should head to a secular school and work on a degree in psychology or counseling? I am looking for direction here, God. But as much as I want a road sign or a personal letter, those I won’t get. I have been here before and I know that I must just take steps. Baby steps. Move in some direction. Then windows will open and doors will close. And I must remember that in the love of God there is no wrong choice or direction if I am making the choice out of love of others and self. If I make the choice to open my life and my heart not to protect or close it off. If I make the choice because I believe it is the right choice. Might it be wrong? Sure, but I will learn something like I don’t want to be here. It took me a long time to admit that was true about my marriage and even longer to do something about it. Was it the wrong choice… absolutely not. I have a wonderful daughter and I met someone, my ex, who has challenged me towards positive growth. I moved. that isn’t wrong. It’s just wrong to stay because its safer. Or not go through the window because I 
am scared. Or not all life to beckon me onward because …. well you fill in the blank.
So, here we go. A new chapter of my life begins. Stay tuned. Who knows where it will lead me. I remain, your servant in Christ,
Theresa
end screw me over. Earlier this summer it was a national insurance company that had bills coming to my house telling me all was paid and yet after several months of this they tried to cancel my policy because according to them I sent never sent them anything. Someone is sitting on a ton of my money. I can prove I had one major check made (to take care of all the months due), in the name of the company, (certified check) but since I didn’t send it certified mail I can’t prove I mailed it. And guess what… that check never arrived. Earlier in June I was dealing with a bank. It seemed that one night the computer “hic-upped” and my account got screwed (which by the way caused some of the problem with the insurance company but this I didn’t find out until my 4th call to customer service.) Now its with a cable company. 
since I didn’t do that the first time, giving in to my nature to trust people; when the service tech walked out with my old equipment and not giving me any paper work for it I just smiled and thanked him for his time… not realizing he just screwed me out of almost $400 worth of equipment. You see, the company sees me as the responsible one and since I didn’t think to ask for any paperwork… I have no way of proving that I don’t have the equipment!
was like this: I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Christ knew that in working to grow in a trusting nature there would be many who could take advantage. So Jesus added: Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. (Matthew 10:16) Interesting advice — shrewd as snakes but as innocent as doves. My interpretation — to be trusting and good does not mean we become stupid and mindless. I have become a lot wiser in the ways of the world these past few months. I may not like the world I live but that is not the choice I am given. My choice is how I am going to deal with it now that I am here. Well, now that I have gotten this all off my chest I feel better. I remain, your servant in Christ,
When was the last time you said the words: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned…” Actually, the better question might be: When was the last time you said those words and meant them? If you are not Catholic they you won’t recognize the formal introduction to the sacrament and prayer of Confession. Something we Catholics have been teased and criticised for once having a history of constantly line up in front of that “black box” for every little sin. At one time this was true but mostly because of the over emphasis on the teaching that we could not go to Communion to receive Christ with ANY sin on our soul; and who is without sin? So, every Friday or Saturday we would all line up before the confessional so that we could go to communion on Sunday. And if you didn’t go to communion then it became, for some, the community gossip wondering why you didn’t go to confession or… what you did between your confession and Sunday morning Mass… (Do you wonder if any of these gossips thought they were sinning? I doubt it.)
those who see very little flaws in themselves and those who see nothing but flaws. It doesn’t matter their shape or conditioning or health or well being. Whether it is genetic or preconditioning we either focus on how we are not perfect or we ignore the obvious flaws and declare our obvious perfection. Neither person is correct. Objectively we can say that, but where do we live. Truth is both belief systems are sin.
and before the will of God is a sin. Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan? Two very righteous and “holy” men walked right past this bleeding soul because it wasn’t what they were suppose to do, according to their interpretation of the law. (Luke 10:25-37)
I drank and ate too much yesterday and today I pay the price. It was a rare day for me in that I accompanied a friend of mine, not only to one but two events both with an open bar and both with unbelievable food. The first was at a local seminary. The women’s auxiliary have a “luncheon” once a year in which they invite certain clergy members. My friends, who just happens to be a priest and my boss, invited me to accompany him. Why me rather than one of his other friends? Well this seminary (there is also a college and boy’s high school as well) is known for and continues to celebrate it’s Polish heritage — something he and I share. So, off for an afternoon of good food, open bar and friendship.
catering to a group of clergy the food will be outstanding and the alcohol at the bar will be the best. (There is a reason that priests get call the “Princes” of the Church.) And this event proved my point. On top of this the school was celebrating its 125 anniversary. We had shrimp, beef that melted in your mouth, stuffed chicken, crispy fresh vegetables and salad… not a single thing that didn’t taste outstanding. And for dessert — fresh Peach torte. After a before dinner drink, wine with dinner and a Bailey’s on ice to finish off all I could think of was how soon will I could get into my pajama’s. But that was not the end of our evening.
because the wedding reception was at a very fancy hotel and there weren’t any real left overs. Nope, this Babcia (grandmother) of the bride had been cooking for weeks — everything home made even the Kielbasa. So, after enjoying the feast at the seminary we headed up to this after celebration “just to make an appearance” he said.
sin abounds. We do the right thing but because others don’t we get screwed. Some days it can seem like nothing will every be right again. And then there is day, an hour, a moment when contentment strikes us through and through: Holding a new born. Watching a sunset or sunrise. Enjoying a good movie. Laughing so hard tears run down your face; and we remember that there is good in the world. Yes, we can take any of these moments and put a negative spin on them — but why? Why not enjoy them for what they are — a foretaste of the heavenly kingdom where we will want for nothing. I remain, your servant in Christ,
really remember about the funeral was the horse. It is a custom, as I later found out, that when a soldier falls in battle to have represented (among other ways) with a military horse with the riders shoes turned backward. As a child of 7 I just thought it was weird. Now, Robert I have more memories of. His campaign. Having to sit through his speeches instead of watching my shows (what child of 12 wants to watch & listen to politics). I remember the fear I felt when he was assassinated. Not because of who he was… just that it could happen. And then there is Ted, who survived it all. 
something. In the face of big business and greed, to be liberal meant you cared about the little guy. It meant you cared to right injustice. Today when I argue for liberal ideas like unions and civil rights, health care and equal rights; I argue from my growing up experiences of the Kennedy’s, Martin Luther King, Jr, my own family. True these issues have changed greatly in the last 40 plus years and I have tried to stop arguing about them because I no longer understand them. But I remember a time when “fighting the good fight” meant caring about something other than self interest.
choose to do this work through the Catholic Church and ministry, rather than through politics (although the Church can be a very political beast).
Instead of following the work of one particular book or letter, we would instead follow some key theological themes allowing both the Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church to enlightened and guide our conversation. It turned out to be a great idea because the insights and conversations were enlightening. I must admit that we stuck to a dark path, sort of; talking about sin, heaven and hell and other topics related. This conversation has colored much of my thinking over the summer. If you are an ongoing reader of this blog you will be aware that I recently am divorced and now living with my college age daughter (our only child). This along with the fact that I work within the Catholic Church in various ministries has given our Bible Study conversation much fodder for my reflections.
My friend Paul will correct me if I am wrong (won’t you, Paul? 
) but I am beginning to realize that our how much or little we value and take appropriate care of our selves is self esteem. Ego is when that esteem gets enlarged or engorged and we begin to think and more importantly believe that we alone have the answer. We alone can do things right. We alone are important… Now, there are varying degrees of ego and just how we live with in and keep it in check. But the part of ego that I have been most intrigued with is how the human mind, one that must support its perception of the universe, re-writes history or interprets conversation and happenings to fit into their view of others. We all do it to some degree. But how can people choose to forget a very significant event simply because it doesn’t fit into their perception of who they are?
our interpretation of history is SUBJECTIVE. Yes there are facts — dates, times, happenings. But we give meaning and understanding to those facts and how we choose to color them determines if they enter into the conversation. Just look at the shooting of JFK. There are people who still argue about what happened that day.
understand that our lives belong to others as much as they belong to us. Mary, model of Christian love, we know we cannot heal every ill or solve every problem. But with God’s grace, we intend to do what we can. May we be true witnesses to the world that love for one another really matters. May our daily actions proclaim how fully our lives are modeled after yours, Mother of Perpetual Help.
peaceful or chaotic as we allow and choose to be. Can I stop the bad things happening to me? Absolutely not. But I can choose how I respond. To be a person of faith means looking beyond this moment of chaos and seeing the peace of Christ. Hope. To be a person of faith means recognizing that this ending (lost job, ill health, divorce…) is the opportunity for a new beginning. Hope To be a person of faith means realizing that no matter how sad or diffult this moment may be tomorrow brings a new day. Hope.
peace. And I wait. Now the question I keep asking myself is: “Waiting for what?” And the closest thing I can come up with for an answer is for the “other shoe to drop.” 
fortune — it just takes more work on the individuals part. Think about it. Isn’t it easier to fast when there is no food in the house? It seems easier to pray when we are already on our knees when we are beaten down by life. And to live simply when there is less to live with. And then there is this christian attitude of preferring poverty. Jesus has often been criticized because his words can be interpreted to mean that he condemns the rich. For instance: “It is easier for a camel to enter through the eye of the needle then a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven.” Seems pretty rough for the rich huh? And by world standards that means that most average Americans ain’t making it to heaven. Until you understand that eye of the needle doesn’t mean a sewing needle but was the title of a gate into Jerusalem that was meant only for foot traffic. A camel could go through if and only if all that it carried was taken off and the camel crawled through on its knees. Different image isn’t it.
and the words would just fly out of my fingers onto the screen. Or after I would watch a movie I would get an idea. I would talk to a friend I knew what my next blog would be about. It got to the point that I would be in the grocery store and something would grab my attention and “BAM!” another blog idea. But today, after what…two months of not paying attention to this site, I sit down and stare at a blank screen and can think of a thousand ideas but nothing worth saying. (But there are those who have read my blogs and would say I never had anything worth saying. smile) 
followed by a couple of good days. I am not going to say I was sick but you know the feeling — you just have no energy to function and all you can do is sleep and watch TV.
Saturday night discussion. My friends (whom I consider my family here in Michigan) where discussing a piece of art work that one of them had offered for my home. I already had a piece that a second friend had given that I knew wasn’t going to work. They were all in this lively conversation about what would work and not work and while I deeply respect their opinions I just kept shaking my head saying “Thanks, but I will figure it out.” As I drove home that night and later as I lay in bed I thought, not about what they said because I respect their opinions; but about my reaction. A year ago I would have done whatever they told me trying to please the one I felt the most insecure with. I have changed. There was still some of that sense of wanting to please but my sense of pleasing myself in this matter of MY home took presidence. This may sound silly to you but its a big thing for me. I am growing up. 